Master sexual desire through therapy

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'If you can sit in your seat and be at the receiving end of attention, and not have it harm you and not do any harm to the person who is providing it. Assuming that what they are saying is inviting, assuming that what they are saying, recognises you. It doesn't demean or diminish you, but recognises all of who you are. You can sit in your seat and you can receive that and you can make yourself available to benefit from it, then know in turn what you feel towards the other person. That's the safest sex you will ever have’ - Group, 2020

Psychological therapy can include these experiences. Moreover, the boundaries of psychological therapy encourage these interactions. This is because psychological therapy is different. Some parts of reality need to remain in fantasy for it to both work and remain professional.

So 'because you are my therapist I can imagine you to be my perfect partner (Benjamin, 1995.)'

Such imaginings may include erotic idealisations. Erotic, meaning to arouse, sexual desire/excitement. Idealisation, meaning regarding something as perfect, or better than, in reality. Erotic idealisations, for the patient, may offer a fantasy of becoming everything to a figure of authority, like the therapist. Who in turn would sacrifice that authority to form a union with the patient. The patient temporarily forgetting that,

'the mother [our original authority figure] is everything to the child but the child is not everything to the mother' (ibid.)

These possibilities mean that, in a safe therapeutic space, a client can better understand, enjoyably experience and master, their sexual desire.

'Through the playground of erotic transference the patient comes to be in charge of her/his own passion...where objects were, subjects must be' (ibid.)

Unfortunately, this therapeutic process is not automatic. Erotic idealisations can also be unhelpful (Renn, 2020.) In my experience, the therapists' actions can affect the helpfulness of erotic idealisations. For instance, communicating to the client, the common erotic idealisations of therapists. Of saviour, of completing the other, of the ideal parent, innocent and omnipotent in the face of another person's needs. Escaping from the responsibility of authority, of being 'the one supposed to know,' and indulging in omnipotent pleasure seeking (see Benjamin,1995.)

Sharing these erotic idealisations may reduce the guilt, or shame, for the client in their own erotic idealisation. Reminding the client that erotic idealisations are ordinary and unavoidable. Indeed, it has been suggested, the unconscious mind only wants to kill or have sex with other people (Gabbard, 2006.)

'We have to make what's untalkable, talkable...talking about it is not acting on it.'

- Barsness & Strawn, 2024

So erotic idealisations may be helpfully experienced, and discussed, in therapy. Demonstrating to the client the value of putting words to desire. Helpful additional interactions. So the client can remember, or learn how ,other people can become both useful objects and collaborative subjects for them. Independent from, and yet dependent on, each other. Both separate and similar.

In sum, erotic idealisations, in therapy, are inevitable. They can be helpful and/or unhelpful. In my experience, being aware of this phenomena helps therapists achieve safe, and effective, clinical practice. As such I have detailed additional, helpful and unhelpful, uses of erotic idealisation in therapy, from my clinical experience.

Helpful uses of erotic idealisation in therapy

1) As a source for the practise of giving and receiving compliments. As part of how we learn to like each other. As a means to enjoy each other's company. As caricatures of our true selves. As a way to help the repair of ruptures in the relationship. Recognising the commonality of this mutual activity.

2) As a way to regulate intimacy. A possibility for distancing/approaching and so retain a sense of control. Reducing overwhelming anxiety or helplessness. Recognising that sexuality can be a helpful place to go. That can reduce the possibility of violence or overwhelming affect.

3) For placing the therapeutic relationship in the context of other relationships and wider culture. In recognising who we each other look like and who we remind each other of. Helping us remember other minds.

4) As a means to identify the non erotic parts of life and our subconscious minds. Also seeing eroticism as 'a pressing for connectedness, [people] trying to find a different way of being (ibid.)'

5) As a way to communicate our effect on each other. So as to understand ourselves better and recognise both parties interpersonal power, to help or harm each other.

Unhelpful uses of erotic idealisation in therapy

1) As a way to sustain unrealistic hopes. For example, perfect reparation by another person, that things might not need to be discussed and/or that difficult experience may not need to be borne. Moreover, that we do not need to overcome the pleasure principle. The idea that we must always satisfy our basic needs and urges, including hunger, thirst, and sexual desire, in the most immediate and direct way possible.

2) Promoting 'magical acts of a desperate person' (Phillips, 2013.) Acting to change the reality of a relationship through the strength of our feelings. Just as a child does in a tantrum. A type of non consented sadomasochistic sexual excitement. Interactions that do not seem in the client's, or therapist's, best interest ( see Perry, July 8, 2020.)

3) Seeking triumph over authority and/or another person's vulnerability.

3) Using erotic idealisation to prompt intimate physical contact. Physical contact is culturally ambiguous. Intimate physical contact needs to be practiced in other relationships (see Briscoe, 2020.)

References

Barsness, R., & Strawn, B., (2024). Courageous Speech & Disciplined Spontaneity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HboRg6TkiQ&t=32s

Benjamin, J. (1995). Like subjects, love objects: Essays on recognition and sexual difference. Yale University Press.

Briscoe, J. (2020). What happens when your relationship with your therapist turns into and affair. The Observer, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/jun/07/what-happens-when-your-relationship-with-a-therapist-turns-into-an-afair

Gabbard, G. O. (2006). The Schopenhauer Cure: A Novel. American Journal of Psychiatry, 163(6), 1118-1118.

Group (2020). S1, Ep7: Breaking the rules, YouTube, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao4dV0Teh_o

Perry, A., (July 8, 2020). Some ethics of co-productive relationships, https://www.drandrewperry.org/post/some-ethics-of-co-productive-relationships

Phillips, A. (2013). The magical act of a desperate person: on tantrums. The London Review of Books, 35(5), 19-20.

Renn, P. (2020). A Relational perspective on enactments, boundary violations and self disclosure, Therapy route, https://www.therapyroute.com/article/a-relational-perspective-on-enactments-boundary-violations-and-self-disclosure-by-p-renn?fbclid=IwAR0HzQOsVYIr0NXcUlmt46zh53sJKHodQ8ZlH1yuVla8OgPXYKhND_OtiM4

n.b. I have also collated a list of other free resources on psychological therapy : CLICK HERE